Messy AF: The Story of My Yoga Practice in 2020
Messy. As. F**k...that's how I would personally describe my life and my yoga practice right now. I find this particularly funny, because the word that I chose as a theme for my 2020 was "refinement."
I mean, I honestly can't think of a word more opposite of "refinement" than "messy." Once again, it seems 2020 has found a way to be completely and inconsiderately disruptive to my hopes and dreams.
But, you know what? If I really give it some thought, maybe I haven't been giving messiness it's due.
In many ways, the messiness of my 2020 FORCED me to sit down, humble myself, and really look at the way I have been living my life. And you know what I found when I went deep into my introspection bag? I found some bullsh*t thought patterns, questionable communication methods, and mindless, habitual (re)actions that are absolutely not conducive to my personal evolution.
“I'm big into personal evolution because I find it makes my life and lives of those around me much more enjoyable.”
I'm big into personal evolution because I find it makes my life and lives of those around me much more enjoyable. It's hard and exhausting to show up and positively engage with myself and my community when I feel like I'm just not being the best version of myself.
Personal evolution might sound glamorous and enlightened, but I promise you it's absolutely not "all love and light" most of the time. At least not for me. Real talk, I can get pretty overwhelmed when I do the work of personally evolving. A lot of the time, it's work that consists of realizing my thoughts, words, and actions-- even despite my best intentions-- aren't actually aligning with my needs and values.
It can be ungrounding and destabilizing. I often start to think that I'm just not that great of a person, and certainly not good enough to be a yoga teacher. Shame comes up. Disappointment comes up. Fear comes up.
It's-- quite frankly-- a mess.
“My yoga practice has taught me that as uncomfortable as messiness is, it's inevitable, and therefore something that I (as all humans are) am capable of overcoming.”
But, you know what? That's okay. Life is messy. And it's because life is messy that I started practicing (and teaching) yoga in the first place. Yoga practice is, among other things, a science of empowerment that makes the mess that comes with being human a bit easier to deal with. My yoga practice has taught me that as uncomfortable as messiness is, it's inevitable, and therefore something that I (as all humans are) am capable of overcoming.
It may not be all bliss and beauty, but messiness is a powerful teacher. In my experience, messiness shows up because of a lack organization and prioritization. Throughout 2020, I've noticed that the place where I am least organized is my mind, and when my mind is unorganized, my priorities are all out of whack.
Unless I take the time to sit still and write things down-- i.e. journal, to-do lists, "A little note before you go" ;) -- it's almost 100% for sure that my thoughts will bounce. I'll get distracted and find myself on tangents and digressions that leave me feeling like there's just too much to do and I simply can't do it all. Sometimes I'll even feel like I can't do anything.
And then I just end up binge-watching Girlfriends on Netflix.
So I try to make organizing my thoughts by writing them down a daily practice. Writings down my thoughts allows me to slow down and focus, so I can notice whether I'm getting carried away with someone else's sentiments or opinions, or whether I'm authentically connecting to my own. I can discern what is meant for me, and what is not-- what is authentic for me and what is not.
When I can figure out what is authentic for me, it's a lot easier to let useless thoughts and ideas pass me by-- whether they be an urge to stalk a fellow yoga teacher on IG or a half-baked idea about moving to Panama. Putting pen to paper changes things for me. Something that may have sounded great in my head often looks ridiculous on the page.
“I have to critically look at what I have been prioritizing in my life, and whether those priorities fall into the category of needs or wants.”
Other times, organizing my thoughts results in realizing that I need to let something go. Letting go can be hard for me. Usually this is because it means I have to critically look at what I have been prioritizing in my life, and whether those priorities fall into the category of needs or wants. A lot of times I'll confuse what I need with what I want because of some insecurity I have.
I find that insecurities are usually unhealed trauma that manifests itself as the desire to just be done with something without having to do the work. For example, many people want to "get rich" rather than do the work to earn an honest and fulfilling living. We all need to make a living, and if it's done in an honest and fulfilling way, that provides us with the income we need to both take care of our own needs and give back to our community.
I really want to digress here and talk about how capitalism and white supremacist heteropatriarchy makes this almost impossible to do in our modern socio-political and economic climate, but I won't. I'm staying organized.
“Prioritizing needs over wants is always a sound move, because needs are necessary, while wants are fantasy.”
Prioritizing needs over wants is always a sound move, because needs are necessary, while wants are fantasy. Needs are things that more or less require consistent fulfillment, and are non-negotiable when it comes to leading a balanced and healthy life. Wants are unnecessary things that usually aren't as great as we think they are anyway. Wants constantly change and shift; they're seasonal, like the Pumpkin Spice Latte or McRib.
A need that surfaced for me while I was wading through the messiness of 2020 was to be part of some major, ethical, and disruptive shifts in the western yoga world. I'll spare the details here, but I go into this very candidly in a bonus episode of the Yoga IRL podcast if you're interested.
The cliff notes version is that I found myself in a mess of prioritizing profit over yoga, even though that was something I swore to myself I would never do. It left me feeling empty, sad, and hopeless. So I've been doing some re-prioritizing, and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I am practicing (and teaching) yoga in a truly authentic, honest, and responsible way.
For me, that means less time in photoshoots and more time learning from various voices in the international yoga community (especially underrepresented ones). It means letting go of working in spaces that exploit labor and focus more on getting bodies in a room and making sales than upholding or honoring the yoga practice. It means tight budgeting, lifestyle shifts, and open communication with anyone who practices yoga with me (either publicly or privately) so that I can be of the most service possible.
It means having the courage to leave things behind that no longer foster my personal evolution, and having the courage to begin new endeavors that do. And it means doing that kindly and compassionately, for all parties involved.
It's been messy. I'm fairly certain it will continue to be messy for some time-- but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Because even though my 2020 is very much still messy af, it is also exactly what I need. The messiness that is my 2020 is, after all, providing me the opportunity to refine. It's just not exactly in way I wanted it to.
“I may not be done with my messy 2020, but at this point I'm okay with that.”
I may not be done with my messy 2020, but at this point I'm okay with that. I have made some real progress, and things are starting to come into much more focus. This new clarity and focus has been a source of healing, joy, and peace even in the most overwhelming and daunting moments. I plan to keep organizing and prioritizing in an authentic and honest way, and I have a strong feeling some really beautiful things will continue to come from it.
So, now you know why I created Yoga IRL, what my yoga practices looks like right now, and that I am just out here doing what I can to personally evolve. And there's more where this came from on the podcast. So if you're interested in more aha! moments, real talk, and pop culture references, know more is on its way.
And I would also love to hear from you! What's your 2020 been like? The good, the bad and the messy-- reach out to me if you want to share. I love learning from my yoga community, and who knows? Maybe you'll end up on the pod!
Thank you for reading, your time and attention is valuable, and I very much appreciate it. I hope we can connect soon.
May you be well, may you be kind, and may you find peace,
Daniela
Hello, I’m Daniela
I’m am LA-based yoga nerd and Experienced Registered Yoga Teacher (E-RYT-500) who specializes in private instruction, injury prevention and management, and optimizing athletic performance. When I’m not re-reading Patañjali’s Yogasūtra on the beach, you can find me conducting qualitative reproductive justice research as a PhD student at the USC Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism, belting out Shakira at karaoke night, or loudly cheering on the Chargers and Lakers.